Digging Deep

The most crucial moments of depression are when you step out of the colorless fog that you were lost in. For the first time in who knows how long, the sky looks bluer, the grads greener, the air fresher. At this critical moment you could very easily get swallowed up again. If you read my last entry Goodbyes, then this applies to you as well, especially if you just made your final goodbye. The point is, you have an opportunity to put distance between you and your pain. How do you keep yourself out of the all encompassing fog that separates you from everything else in your life? How do we continue to run towards something instead of away from the fog?

It’s not very often that one is able to escape their fog, but what’s rarer is someone staying clear and free forever. Of course no one can escape the thoughts and concerns that claw their way into the heads of those with depression or anxiety, but I do believe that I can continue to grow and keep myself out for a while. The exhausting fact is that I’ve been here before. I had been pulled from the dark encroaching forest that I had been trapped in before. For me it was a Black Forest that swallowed any bit of light leaving you wondering around in nothing until you eventually quit and became one with the land… a new tree making up that forest. It was thanks to the shining brilliance of my Moon that I was able to drag my way out. Since I’ve had this experience, I am hauntingly aware that the fog and that Forest are right behind me. If I stop and think about them then they will fucking swallow me whole… again. “I have to manifest the change I want in my life”. This single statement coupled with my moldavite keeps me motivated towards building the future that I want. If you’re interested, I can have a separate post about manifesting later? I use that statement to keep myself honest with my goals for putting distance between me and the suffocating fog.

The only way that I can create that distance is by focusing on myself. I have to grow and nurture myself. This is arguably the hardest part; like it says in the title, it’s time to dig deep. I currently have the opportunity to start over, so who do I want to be? I’ve got no fucking clue right now, but I do know that I want better for myself. I am focusing on strengthening my emotional, physical, and mental toughness. Emotionally I am sharing my feelings in a public forum, the exact opposite of what I used to do which was suppress until explosion. Physically I am lifting weights and working on my cardio, something I loathe, but it’s not good to be able to lift a lot if you have no stamina. Mentally I am challenging myself to ask all of these questions and to search for answers in this (currently) beautiful, wide open world.

I am hyper focused now on creating the me that I am happy with and can believe in. If you can’t tell from the last paragraph, I am no longer thinking about the fog. My eyes are locked ahead on the person I’m turning into. I can be anything and everything. I’ve been told that I’m a narcissist, but that’s because I know that the only thing that limits me in this world is my own mind. If you set your mind on building the ideal you, then force yourself every day to do all the WORK to make it happen. Yes, it is work. I am still having to force myself to workout and eat better. I’m eating an apple a day and had my blood checked. If you know me, then you know that’s a big fucking deal. This is an opportunity for you to manifest the greatest you imaginable. Picture if instead of all of the daily fights in your brain about getting up, going to work, or socializing with anyone, you could replace it with 20% the mental work to build yourself.

I think I’ve realized that growth and depression are related; one goes up, the other goes down. When you are growing, your depression is lessening, and when I’m depressive, I’m tearing myself down. Growth is the key to never suffocating in the fog, to never get trapped by the forest. Focus on building the greatest you, and you will see results in all aspects of life: emotional, mental, and physical. Ask yourself the hard questions… even if it hurts. Be the driving force in your life that enables you to take control. If I can feel my emotions and publicly display them like this then I believe you can ask yourself one hard question. That’s my challenge to you. The path begins here.

Picture of moldavite will be added 9/20.